Psychology studies show that, in the
long term, the most important thing in your life is your personal
relationships. More important than your circumstances, hardships or
successes, stuff you own or places you go, good quality relationships
increase your resilience, your happiness and protect you from depression
and other related “afflictions”.
This
can only be said about mature, fulfilling relationships, which we
define based on one principle: “win-win”. In “win-win” relationships (be
it friendships or romantic ones), all parties bring their best and
leave out the worst. They focus on increasing the value of the
partnership, the time spent together, the amount of sharing and avoid,
conscientiously, pointing fingers and turning each interaction into a
competition.
They say that you don’t
get to choose your parents and siblings; however, you get to choose your
friends and lovers. Here are 10 steps towards improving the quality of
your relationships which can help you find what you need to lead a
fulfilled life.
1. Assess your self-esteem level and decide which kind of relationships you want.
Those
based on sharing, learning, fun, empathy or listening? Or those meant
to increase your value in the eyes of your community? Generally
speaking, the most fulfilling relationships are those which are not
meant to regulate your self-esteem level.
2. Decide what you value most in life as a person.
Finding
out what you like and value, what is important for your growth and
happiness will help you look for the same things in the people you bond
with.
3.Evaluate every relationship in your life at this moment.
Give
points to each of them in the “value department”, based on what you
decided that matters for you. It may benefit you to give points to those
relationships that help you stay true to yourself and don’t force you
to pretend you’re someone else, are emotionally balanced and above
average when it comes to the learning potential.
4. Based on your assessment, try and get rid (delicately!) of everything that consumes you emotionally
or
influences your self-esteem by lowering it. Without being blunt, avoid
relationships that favor conflict and nurture those that do you good.
5. Increase the frequency of interactions
with
people that make you feel good. At home or work, look for individuals
that raise your energy levels, give you reasons to smile and be
optimistic.
6. “Water” your relationships.
Once
you streamlined them, it’s time to work on them. They are, joke or not,
like flowers, so focus on their development and take steps towards
nurturing them. Focus on their quality in particular.
7. Give first, and expect very little, if nothing, in return.
In
relationships, many people tend to ask themselves the same question:
“what do I get from it?”. Giving first may be interpreted as consuming –
in terms of time and emotional investment, but the benefits are
unexpected. Behavior breeds behavior.
8. Don’t argue, but learn to compromise smartly.
Smart
compromise involves shared responsibility for the future of the
relationship and assertiveness. When everybody understands the part they
play in their relationships’ evolution, the focus shifts from arguments
to finding a common ground.
9. Share your best.
Knowledge,
experience, emotions. Be it books, music, places you went or things you
did that others might find interesting, many relationships are based on
shared experiences, rather than anything else.
10. Keep an open mind
and embrace the good and different you see in others. Chance is the others see the same in you.
These
ten steps are just a hint of what you could do towards improving your
relationships. Follow them or not, but try to find out what suits you in
particular. Remember that human interactions are, in a way, like wine:
they get better in time. However, this only happens if you work on them.
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