Every
parent wants their kids to be successful. It is the purest wish a
parent can have. Making this wish a reality is an entirely different
matter.
So what ensures a child’s success? Are
some kids genetically predisposed to do better than others or are the
parents completely on the hook for ensuring their children achieve their
goals? It’s the old nature versus nurture debate–which has been raging since the beginning of time.
Regardless
to your inclination on the subject or which side of the debate you find
yourself –there is no denying that successful parenting plays a major
role in producing stellar kids. Parenting that is ineffective–regardless
to the natural intellect and aptitude of a child–can result in behavior
issues, delinquency, criminality and academic problems. Good parenting
is an essential requirement for producing high achieving children.
What Successful parenting looks like
There is no set recipe for raising kids. Psychologists have found a few common threads of successful parenting:
1. Kids are assigned regular chores
Research shows that when children are given chores at an early age it cultivates in them a sense of responsibility, self-reliance and mastery.
At a Ted Talk event, Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University and author of “How to Raise an Adult”
conveyed the idea that kids raised on chores go on to be collaborative
coworkers, more empathetic– as they truly understand and have endured
struggles. They also are able to work on tasks with minimal
hand-holding.
When using chores to build your
child’s character, researchers caution that chores and allowance be kept
separate. Studies show that external rewards can actually lower intrinsic motivation.
2. High expectations are established
Having realistically high expectations
for kids is essential to successful parenting. More often than not,
children rise to the expectations set for them. The trick is to set the
bar high enough that your kids do have to stretch for it but keeping it
in the realm of possible.
For example, kids who
have parents that expect them to go to college–usually do. Parents
manage the child in a way that nurtures academic achievement while their
kids work to maintain good grades so they can go to
college. Establishing realistically high expectations points your
children in the direction of success.
3. Good coping skills are developed
Children
have to be taught to manage anger, delay gratification and properly
handle conflict in order to achieve success. A lack of healthy coping
strategies can lead to health and well-being concerns in children.
4. Children are given room to fail
A parent’s job is to manage and minimize risk–not to eliminate it. Successful parenting involves understanding that failure is a big part of success.
And while this may sound counter-intuitive, research shows that more is
gleaned from failure than success. Hanging back and giving children
room to fail is very difficult for most parents but is
essential. Successful failures assist in developing your child’s
character, resilience and overall competence.
5. Social skills are developed
In today’s world, social intelligence is just as important as intellect. A study spanning 20 years and
involving the tracking of 700 kids found that those that are
socially competent were more likely to earn a college degree and have a
full time job by the time they turned 25.
Successful
parenting ensures that kids learn to be cooperative in their
peer-to-peer relationships, helpful and able to empathize with others
intuitively and without prompting.
6. Quality time is spent early in a child’s development
The
number of hours moms spend with kids between ages 3 and 11 does little
to predict the child’s behavior, well-being, or achievement. It’s the
quality of the time spent that counts. “Helicopter” or “Tiger” parenting
is not the intended approach. Parents should work to keep the
environment and interactions engaging and stimulating but not stressful.
7. Developing tenacity and “grit” in children
Encouraging
kids to stick with things that are difficult or unpleasant sets them up
for success later in life. Mental toughness and a “can do” attitude are
critical for children to have firmly in place well before reaching
adulthood. A child without a “fighting spirit” is unlikely to develop
this trait later in life and commitment and the ability to handle
sustained effort long term will always be an issue.
8. Assist children in developing a strong sense of self
This
is done by establishing balance as a parent. Over-parenting hinders a
child’s development of independence and permissive parenting robs kids
of integrity, direction and the ability to focus and commit. Children
need to be able to identify their own strengths, weakness, preferences
and dislikes.
9. Parent with the end in mind
Most
people parent with the mindset of dealing with the current situation
and getting it under control as soon as possible; seeking the quickest
solution. Successful parenting keeps in mind how we want our child to be
as an adult, we should strive to be more thoughtful in the way we
parent. Try to pause and capitalize on some of those small teachable
moments that present themselves daily remembering that the best way to
teach certain behaviors is by modeling them.
10. Practice the three “F’s” of successful parenting: Firm, Fair and Friendly
Consequences
for unwanted behavior should be clearly stated and should be suited to
the unwanted behavior or the punishment should fit the crime. Harsh
punishments are unnecessary especially coupled with the other techniques
mentioned previously. Even though the child has misbehaved keep the
tone of the communication firm yet friendly and open.
Successful
children turn into successful adults and neither happens by accident.
Successful parenting is deliberate and intentional.
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