You
probably shy away from some people on social occasions. Their
conversations are tedious. You groan inwardly when they approach for you
know that they are unremittingly dull company. Equally you may be
fortunate enough to know some brilliant conversationalists who can
enliven any discussion and who are excellent company whatever the
circumstances. In what category would other people place you? How can
you improve your conversational skills to become a welcome sight at
every party and social event you attend? Here are some pointers that
might help.
Ask Questions
Most people prefer to talk about themselves rather than hear about you, so asking questions is a great way to start and to refresh conversations.
If you meet someone for the first time, start by asking simple,
non-threatening questions about them, what they do, where they live etc.
If you know someone moderately well then you should be aware of some of
their interests so simple questions about those are good ways to start.
As you get to know people better you can ask more searching and
interesting questions. For example, ‘What is the biggest challenge you
have ever faced in your life?’ or, ‘What is your greatest ambition?’
In a group similar considerations apply. You
should generally start new conversations by throwing out questions
rather than making statements or talking about things you have done. By
asking questions you draw other people in and engage them. It is said
that small minds talk about people, moderate minds talk about events and
great minds talk about ideas. By all means start the conversation with
some small talk but once it is going be prepared to introduce some
questions relating to issues and ideas. We will discuss where to get the
ideas shortly. Obviously you have to judge the nature of the group
first so it is important to follow the second rule.
Listen
Great conversationalists are great listeners.
Whether you are with one person or a group listen attentively. People
like good listeners – wouldn’t you rather speak with someone who was
interested in what you had to say rather than someone who looked bored
and indifferent? Also, when you listen you learn. When you are speaking
you are not learning anything new. Make a conscious effort to focus on
what people say. Show that you are interested by asking questions that
support and develop the conversation; ‘What do you mean exactly?’, ‘What
happened next?’, ‘How did you feel about that?’
As you listen in a group, observe how people are reacting to the conversation.
Are they engaged or ready for a change of topic? Is it time to move up
from small talk to something more serious or time to lighten the mood
with some humour? By listening and observing you can time your
contribution to bolster the current conversation or move it forward to
something new and interesting.
Give Compliments
Pay compliments whenever you sincerely can.
If someone looks smart or has lost weight or has a stylish new haircut
then show that you have noticed by giving a genuine compliment. ‘That
colour really suits you.’ ‘You are looking very trim today.’ If they
tell you about some achievement – say at work or by one of their
children then congratulate them. As a matter of general courtesy and
good manners you should always thank and compliment your host. Tell them
what a great success the event is and how much you are enjoying it.
Pick on some detail that they have chosen for the occasion that you like
and tell them how well it has worked or how much you like it.
Keep up to date on topical issues
It is important to keep abreast of key current issues and topics in the news, entertainment, sports and politics. You should be ready to comment with questions, ideas, facts and opinions on the issues that other people are interested in.
So see a few of the latest movies, read some of the most popular
fiction and non-fiction, read the newspapers, watch the news, keep up
with some major sports stories and watch some TV – but not too much. You
do not need to slavishly follow every soap but if someone asks you what
are your favourite TV programmes then you should be able to list some
popular and serious programmes and justify what it is you like about
them.
When
discussing serious topics be prepared to oppose the conventional view
and to take a rather provocative stance – even just for the sake of
doing so. This will lead to a more interesting conversation
than if you just agree with what is said. For example if everyone is
against some political leader, then come to their defence with examples
of strengths or achievements. Make your points with conviction, evidence
and, if possible, humour. But in a social environment be careful not to
become belligerent or cantankerous. In general it is best to avoid
really sensitive or controversial topics especially if they risk
offending people’s personal feelings.
Be Humorous
There
is a place for serious discussion and there is a place for the
light-hearted, so be ready to contribute in either environment. Witty
comments tend to be spontaneous, clever and unexpected so being witty is
not an easy skill to develop but there are some things you can do.
Observe witty people in action and see how they contribute. Be bold enough to add your comments and witticisms and carefully watch reactions to see whether you are hitting the right note. Have
a stock of funny stories. Do not force them into the conversation but
have them ready when you get the cue or when there is a lull. Personal
anecdotes relating to unusual experiences and misfortunes that befell
you often go down well. Develop and practice some self-deprecating
stories. Jokes, quotes and other people’s witty remarks can also be used
sparingly and with acknowledgement. But beware of smutty or offensive
stories in mixed company. Laugh at other people’s funny stories, even if
you have heard them before, but never give away someone else’s punch
line.
Speak Clearly
Say what you have to say with clarity and enthusiasm. Many
people mumble their words, or rush through them or whisper so quietly
that you have to strain to hear them. Good conversationalists are clear,
articulate and easy to understand. They use interesting metaphors and
visual images. Keep your sentences short and to the point. Don’t hog the
floor. When you have made your point pass the conversation on by
letting others speak. If there is a pause then draw someone in with a
question.
Enjoy it
Be yourself, be natural and don’t try to be anything that you are not. Approach
the situation with a positive attitude and tell yourself that you are
going to have a good time and meet some interesting people. Relax, smile
and enjoy the occasion. People prefer to mix with the happy and
good-natured rather than the grumpy and miserable. By all means have a
couple of drinks but not too many or you risk undoing all your good
work!
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