Starting conversations with people I have never met is like my superpower.
I’m
not really sure how it happened. I think I am just short enough to not
be threatening, just polite enough to not turn people away, just
handsome enough to look approachable, and just bearded enough to look
wise.
In the past year, I have met:
- A Roller Derby team from Minnesota whose captain is married to a heavy metal singer
- A doctoral candidate from Kansas who also freelances in how-to training videos because “teachers get paid shit and that other stuff is really easy.”
- A girl who deleted all the apps (including the email one) from her phone because she was “tired of the drama”
- An older couple who have written two books together and whose “retirement” plan is this product, a badge which measures if you are getting enough vitamin D during the day. (That website looks a lot better than it did when they first told me about it, so things must be going well)
Other
than “looking completely average,” here are the tangible actions I take
to start conversations with aliens. I mean strangers.
1) LET THEM GO SECOND.
Silence
is awful. It’s so weird. Like the two of you are sitting in the same
spot for an extended period of time. What if you miss the grace period
to say hello and then you’re stuck in an airplane side by side for
hours?
With every second that ticks by, the
pressure builds to say something. After a while, it’s far too late, and
you are trapped in an endless cycle of avoiding eye contact, coughing
uncomfortably, and suddenly becoming very interested in perusing the
Skymall catalog.
“Oh look,” you’ll think to yourself, determined to not shift your gaze away from the page. “I didn’t know they made remote controls shaped like Harry Potter’s wand.”
There is absolutely
NO chance I will be the second one to speak. Even if it’s just “Hello!”
that takes the pressure off the other person.
2) TALK TO RANDOM PEOPLE ON PURPOSE
The first one is going to be scary.
You’ll
walk up to someone and your heart will dive into your stomach, your
throat will tighten up, and your tongue will forget how to make words.
But,
just like everything, it gets easier. I try to talk to one new person a
day. I rarely want to, so I have to frame conversation like this:
I
know nothing. Other people know something. By talking to new people, I
can know a little more than nothing. By keeping to myself, I will remain
ignorant.
3) EMBRACE SMALL TALK
I
have a friend who hates small talk. She can’t stand how meaningless it
is. Not surprisingly, she also has trouble meeting new people.
Here’s
the thing, though — Small talk is a necessary entry level play for
making people feel comfortable. It’s the basis for everything, even if
it seems banal. I realized most of my small talk (when travelling) is
pretty much a variant of this script:
Me: “Woo, man, I can’t believe this [STATEMENT ABOUT THE WEATHER].”
Stranger: “Yeah, it’s crazy how [CONFIRMS STATEMENT ABOUT WEATHER].”
Me: “For sure. Is [PLACE WE ARE GOING] home for you?”
Stranger: “Nope, I’m from…”
Small
talk really is obnoxious. Actually, there are several co-workers who
have only ever conversed with me about the weather or the day of the
week and it’s proximity to Friday. The goal, then, for me is to build an
easy springboard from small talk to revealing a simple personal detail.
Once someone opens up even the slightest crack into their personal life, you can move on to:
4) ASK QUESTIONS
Okay,
so now I know the person is from Boston or wherever. I ask if they like
it there. Then I’ll ask about their kids. Then I’ll ask about something
else.
Every time someone trusts you with a
detail about themselves, nod and smile and ask for more. Each sentence
is going to be a wealth of new information. Ask about the new stuff.
It’s a game, really.
“But Todd! What will I say next? What if we run out of things to talk about?”
You won’t if you keep asking questions. I have noticed people always have plenty of problems or passions or both.
What they don’t have is someone to listen to them.
0 comments:
Post a Comment